Monday, January 27, 2014

A Relaxing Little Soak

When we moved in to this house and I saw the giant garden tub in the master bath, I had all of these grand visions of relaxation. 

"I'm going to be using that baby every friggin' night... Light some candles... Do a mud mask... Watch The Real Housewives without any interruptions..." - what I told myself in the beginning before we moved into the house.

Do I use that tub now that we've been here for half a year? Ha ha ha...

The kids use it more than we do (tip: a giant tub is a real hit during sleep overs), and partially because we're too impatient to wait for it to fill up. Mostly though, it's because it's an unwritten rule that parents are never, ever allowed to relax in the bath.

Unless, of course, by 'relax' we're actually talking about sitting in a tub of water while entertaining 3 unruly children. In that case, yes, by all means - relax it up!

"Eh... I'll just get in the regular shower and curl up in a fetal position in the bottom..."

We've been trying to get Mia to take more responsibility in taking care of herself, and part of her new routine is to take her shower or bath each night between 7 and 7:30. It doesn't matter what time she gets in, just as long as she's ready for bed by 8PM. It might seem like no big deal, but we're really proud of her for stepping up and she's excited that we're so proud of her.

Tonight when it was time for her to get cleaned up, she asked if she could use the bath salts and soak in the tub for a while. I asked her if she'd rather do it tonight and only stay in for a bit or soak on Thursday for as long as she wants because there's no school on Friday. Excited to make the choice herself, Mia decided that she'd rather soak on Thursday night.

Smart girl, right? 

After gathering her pajamas, her towel, the special conditioner for that wild lioness mane of hair, Sis got in the shower downstairs. All was well until Chris and I heard a bloodcurdling shriek coming from the bathroom:

"Marleeeeeeeeeee! I'm! Trying! To! Relax!"

Welcome to my world, child. The screams will get you nowhere.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Go Team USA

CHRIS: I'm kind of surprised that the Olympics are in Russia this year.

ME: Why? Because it's Russia?

CHRIS: No, just... I thought Sochi was in like... Asia. Doesn't Sochi sound like it's Asian?

ME: *hysterical laughter*

CHRIS: What? What are you laughing about?

ME: You do realize that RUSSIA is acutally IN Asia, right? Asia is the biggest continent in the world. Russia is the biggest country in Asia. Sochi actually IS in Asia.

CHRIS: I hate you. I meant Japan or China or something.

ME: Oh, ok... "Doesn't Sochi sound like it's Asian..." 

CHRIS: Don't put this on the internet. I mean it, Jen.

This, kids, is what married life is really all about - putting your spouse in their place when the opportunity arises! Victory is sweet!

Monday, January 20, 2014

Not Just For Nerds :)

{This post is brought to you by Netflix}

Do you realise that I haven't been sick at all this winter? True story. Excuse me while I pat myself on the back!

"It's really hard to congratulate someone who's already patting themselves on the back" - my boss

But back to not being sick thing - I'm insanely thankful for good health this year. Let's face it, when I'm sick, I tend to be a wee bit over dramatic. "I'm dying. I'm really dying. Make sure they play Free Bird at my funeral..."

When I'm sick though and I'm allowed to lie in bed all day? Documentaries. All day, err day.

I'm a binge watcher, and I love to rewatch all of my favorite movies (Say Anything... Don't try to play it cool. It's John Cusack. You love him, I love him. There's no shame in admitting it.), and series (House.Of.Cards. I cannot stress to you enough - you NEED to watch Season 1 RIGHT NOW because Season 2 starts 2/14.), but documentaries are the hidden gem of Netflix.

They have a buttload (similar to a metric ton) of documentaries, FYI. Even when I pull up my queue and there's just not anything that feels 'right', I know I can browse the documentaries and easily find 5 films that I want to watch.

The last 3 documentaries that I checked out:

  • Bill Cunningham New York - This film follows New York Times street style photographer as he rides his bicycle through the streets of the Big Apple, taking photos of the most fashionable people he encounters. His eye doesn't discriminate between high fashion and thrifted finds, and zeroes in on personal style and looks worn with confidence. It's not a film about fashion though - it's a film about a man who has made a career of taking photos. The guy is 80+ years old and he's adorable! His signature look? Cobalt blue windbreaker. Iconic.
  • Mansome - This doc surveys celebrities and average Joes about the grooming habits of males in modern society. What defines the metrosexual? How much grooming is still manly? The interactions between Jason Bateman and Will Arnett are hilarious, but nothing tops the Q & A sessions with Zach Galifianakis. "My dad always smelled like garlic and diesel fuel..." Same here, but jalapenos and diesel fuel. 
  • The Six Degrees of Helter Skelter - Six Degrees takes you on a guided tour of Los Angeles as it would've been in August 1969 as members of the Manson Family wreaked havoc on the City of Angels. Agreed, this probably isn't a film for everyone (crime scene photos), but Manson is one of my strange interests and I thought this was amazing. From Cielo Drive to the capture at Barker Ranch, guide Scott Michaels shows you the sights with little bits of 'did you know' trivia connecting the dots from celebrity to criminal. The Six Degrees of Helter Skelter mentions everyone from Mama Cass's boyfriend to James Dean to the 90s show Melrose Place. It's all connected and it's fascinating.
Next up in my queue? 
I'm probably going to owe the hubs big time if I can get him to watch the first two with me! Ugh... marriage... Documentary 3? He'll thank me. I'm sure of it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014


Tonight after taking Granny home, I looked in the rearview mirror just in time to catch a glimpse of the girls raising their fists in the air to rock out with the opening notes of the kid-friendly classic, "Highway To Hell" by AC/DC.

Be still my heart - I was so, SO proud of those two!

MAR: Mommy - SING!

ME: 'Livin' eas-ah, lovin' free... Season tick-it ona one-way riiiide..."

GIRLS: *giggles and whispers*

MIA: Marlee! That's mean! Mommy's is NOT a terrible singer!

MAR: I was juss joking! I'm da one who ask't her ta sing!

MIA: So you like when she sings then?

MAR: Yes, juss she sounz cwazy wite now singing yike dat...

To be fair, I was doing my best Bon Scott voice so maybe she didn't realize that 'cwazy' sounds a whole lot like completely badass.

I wonder every day, what my life would be like if I'd became a singer instead of a file clerk. Ugh...

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Perks of Sunday Funday With The Fam

I haven't written in a while because life has been pleasantly boring. I mean that sincerely, guys. Boring means no (ok, rarely) bleeding or screaming children, no crazy messy house, no random odd happenings in the neighborhood. Pleasantly boring. Ahhhhh!

A few fun facts you might enjoy:

  1. I'm missing 2 pizza cutters at the moment. 
  2. I'm also missing a pair of size 10 black suede wedge heels.
  3. These are of equal importance.
  4. I suspect Marlee as the culprit.
  5. Chris installed a new doorbell last night.
  6. No, he didn't electrocute himself OR ruin the entire system.
  7. Santa brought the kids Disney Infinity for the XBox 360 and they love it.
  8. I suck sooooo bad at Disney Infinity. Don't try to drive Mr. Incredible's car unless you want to embarrass yourself.
  9. We've been on a big HGTV kick lately and I want to go junking to find fabulous home decor items for this house that still seems bare. Suggestions?
  10. Miles had something on his foot earlier. It was brown. I asked him - half jokingly - if it was chocolate or poop. He's a boy, so he tasted it and then assured me that it was "Chok-it!". Thank God. I would've felt like a real jerk if it was poop.
Today, we had this grand idea that we'd take the kids out for a fun day at the mall. Seriously, going to the mall is a treat for our kiddos because the closest mall is about 45 miles away. It's an easy adventure but it costs a fortune by the time you get gas for the trip, lunch for 5 somewhere besides McDonald's, everything purchased at said mall, and snacks for the trip back home. 

Also? It's always one of those ideas that sounds like fun, but ends up making you wish for an early death or a shot of Thorazine at the very least.

After getting all 3 kids ready (20 minute search for Mia's black flats, 10 minutes of bargaining with Marlee to wear her polka dot leggings instead of too-short sweats, and the epic packing of Miles's Caillou backpack), and making a pit stop at the gas station, we hit the highway and headed for the city...

  • It was about 60 degrees today. Logically Chris opened the sunroof because 60 in January in Missouri is basically the same as 90. Heatwave y'all! Break out the flip flops!
  • On the drive, we impressed the kids with our completely rad dance moves to Usher, Ke$ha, and Nelly then totally blew their minds with an old school Peter Frampton number. Followed by Randy Travis and then The Who. Parents, if you want to raise well rounded children, make sure you expose them to all genres of music. I'm preaching, I know, but it's something I firmly believe in.
  • About 10 miles before we got to Independence, Miles announced that his tummy hurt. We contemplated going back home for fear that he'd barf all over Old Navy, but decided to take a risk and leave it up to chance.
  • Immediately after that I had the genius idea to stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch. This was followed by the following reactions: Chris - "Yeah that sounds good!", Mia -"Can we get the rootbeer in the glass bottles?", Marlee (full on melt down with real tears) - "BUT IIIIIIIIIII WANNA GO'YUH SUB-WAAAAAAY", and Miles whose tummy had hurt just moments before was now sound asleep.
  • That idea about going to Cracker Barrel? Half of Jackson County also had that idea. Missouri has a lot of geniuses apparently! We waited 35 minutes for a table which, in case you were wondering, is JUST enough time for all 3 kids to find toys they wanted in the country store and manhandle all of the candy, burst into tears when they were told we were buying lunch and not stuff, take group trips to the restroom and basically resent us until they each had a bottle of rootbeer in front of them.
  • During lunch, Marlee announced that she'd seen "a yady on da news and guess what her name was? JENNIFER COLE PALIS! She yooked jusssss yike you Mommy and she was doing da wev-ah. She said it was going to be 60 duh-gweez too!" I'm apparently the most accurate meteorologist in the KC metro, guys! You learn something new every day. Also, my middle name is Ann. Marlee's middle name is Cole, but she's convinced that everyone in our family has the same middle name.
  • Mia almost steamrolled an old man with a cane when we were leaving the restaurant. It could've been a disaster, but the fella was nimble even with his cane. Crisis averted!
  • We got to the mall and Miles had a meltdown over the magic stairs. Chris had to pick him up - kicking - and hold him the whole 45 seconds we were on the escalator. It. Was. Traumatic.
  • Old Navy was a cesspool. The place was filthy... I love Old Navy and about 80% of our family's wardrobe is purchased there but this is the first time I've been to any store other than the one in Lee's Summit in about 5 years. Yes, I still bought a ton of stuff, but I was cringing on the inside the entire time. This is why I shop online. Eew!
  • Next we went to Express to exchange a watch I bought Chris for Christmas. Raise your hand if you bought your husband a watch that doesn't work... No? Just me? Ugh... Also, they don't sell watches in the store at Independence. Merry Christmas, Baby! You're pretty stoked about the $25 gift card and the remaining credit put back on my MasterCard, aren't you?!
  • We took the kiddos to Claire's so that they could get something fun. Miles wanted a My Little Pony purse and a pair of white sunglasses. Chris vetoed both of his choices. He's no fun at all!
  • Next up, I ducked in to Forever 21 for the first time ever while Chris took the kids down to the indoor play area. People who shop at Forever 21, how the hell do you do that? It was over whelming and for every 5 shirts I initially thought were decent, 2 turned out to be sweaters on the front and sweat shirts on the back, 2 had cats or owls screen printed on them, and the last would be a rack of 15 all in size small. FML I think I dress alright. I'm kind of trendy sometimes. I just can't be the lady in a jeweled sweatshirt. It's not me. Apparently there's a contemporary section though and I wanted one of everything there, but again, I have giant boobs and I eat a lot of carbs, so I had to really search for a few mediums and a large jacket. 
  • Met up with the kids and Chris just in time for another Marlee meltdown because there's a GIANT FUCKING CAROUSEL in the middle of the mall and someone (Chris, definitely Chris) said that we weren't riding it today. And to top things off, Mia said she was ready to go home and didn't even want to play. Me too, Sis, me too. She's a smart kid! Miles decided to have a meltdown at that point too because he was having a blast in the play area. Sorry, pal!
"I don't know WHY you guys have'ta be SO MEAN! All da time! I juss wan'ned'a wide da wide!"
"I don't know why you are such a spoiled little girl..."
"I'm not spoiled. I'm just weewy sad at you for not yetting me do what I want."
"That's spoiled."

It was a day of pure delight, our family excursion to the mall! Obviously...

We decided to cap it off with a trip to Sonic for shakes and Cokes. As a kid, when the whole family went somewhere together, my dad drove and Mom rode shotgun. Now that I'm an adult, I usually have Chris drive as well. It just seems 'right'.

The only problem with Chris's driving is, Chris's driving is terrible. Long story short, he came thiiiiisclose to knocking the side mirror off of the Mommobile as we pulled in to Sonic. Don't worry though, he made up for that close call by full on hitting the motherfucker as he backed out of our parking spot to leave. Bravo, Mr. Palis. You've really outdone yourself this time.

And that pretty much sums up my Sunday. Why am I a hermit on the weekends? Because nothing good can come from taking my family out in public.

Which is exactly why I'm scheduling family photos tomorrow. Glutton for punishment...