Wednesday, September 25, 2013


As a child of the late 80s/early 90s, I can tell you that I was seriously excited when The Hub network started playing the old Animaniacs cartoons again. 

1. Wacko
2. Pinky & The Brain
3. My kids were impressed that I could still sing the theme song

To say the least, Animaniacs has quickly become a favorite in our house. 

Because we have it on so often, Mommy's really good at figuring out which characters my the kids are quoting when they say something off the wall. It took me by surprise this evening when I covered Miles up with a blanket and he spouted off a "Tanks, yady!", followed by insane giggles.


Tanks, yady!

Tanks, yady? Lady? Are you calling me Lady?

Yeah, yady!

Like Buttons & Mindy? 'OkayILoveYouByeBye'?

Yeaaaah! Yuv you! Buh bye! Tanks, yady, tanks!

The comedic stylings of a 3 year old, ladies and gentlemen! This fella was so stinking proud of himself and with his toddler pronunciations... I just about died in my fit of giggles!

This, guys - these little bits of playtime and conversation - that's what makes the everyday frustrations in life nothing more than a momentary inconvenience. 

... And on an ironic side note - I may have uttered the words "I prefer to be called a broad, not a lady" today. In the women's restroom.

If my baby boy tells me "Tanks, broad!" I might have to rethink my preference though.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Recap: Dirty 30

Basically we celebrated my birthday for a week straight. I feel like that's allowed when you turn 30. And probably again when you turn 40. And definitely when you turn 50.


You guessed it - annual super romantic birthday card from Mr. Palis!

If you don't get a Macho Man shirt from your brother &
sister in law,  you're obviously not doing it right!

Cookies from my BFFs! Text from my mama: "Tell Trisha
these cookies are like freaking crack. No. More."

A coworker and I have the exact same birthday. We're polar
opposites, but being bday twins is pretty awesome!

I forgot this was on my car for the better part of the week.
People honked, I got pissy... then I'd remember... durrr...

This creepy old dude... He was a big hit with
everyone who wasn't terrified of him!

Photo booth pics with my besties, Trisha & Shauna!

Look at these two! I've got some good lookin' family members, right?!

This is a tradition at all get togethers: Kim takes a shot, we get a photo.
Love. This. Girl.

... Maybe my BFFs from high school MADE me
toilet paper our other BFF's car even though she
let us have a birthday party at her bar... !

The old gang!!!! All we were missing is Mr. Farr, but seriously,
if he'd have been there the bar would've got burned down or something!

And a Waffle House ending!

I could (and should) go on and on about how awesome this birthday was. From beginning, to end - which, by the way, is tomorrow when I meet up with my other bestie for a belated birthday lunch - it has been absolute perfection.

I have the best friends and family that anyone could ask for! They really know how to make a girl feel loved!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Mom Bod

I turned 30 on Wednesday - hands down one of the best bdays I've ever had, but I'll tell you more about the actual celebration on Sunday.

Tomorrow night, we're actually celebrating my big 3-0 at a great bar with no kids, good music, better friends, and alcoholic drinks. I'm really looking forward to it! Looking forward to it so much that I decided tonight that I wanted to get a new outfit for the occasion.

After a quick run to Target tonight with Chris and the two younger kiddos, and searching to no avail for a decent top, I asked if we had time for me to go into Maurice's and look around. It was 8:30, the store closed at 9, and I told him I'd be quick since they were closing soon.

Chris said yes, that he and Miles would stay in the car and Marlee and I were on our way to find something fab for Mommy's big grown up fun night. This is kind of a big deal for me to even go inside a store. I loathe every bit of the clothes shopping experience, mainly because I hate to be followed around by anyone remotely pushy. Helpful is good, pushy is not. Because I hate to get into these situations, I do almost all of my shopping online.

And now, friends, a tale of how NOT to 'help' your customers...

SALESGIRL 1: Hi! How are you?! What are you looking for?! Are you looking for something specific?!

ME: Oh, a shirt for a birthday party...

SALESGIRL 2: Oh a party! Is it formal? Semi-formal? Casual? Do you want a dress? Pants? A skirt? Where's it at?

ME: It's at a friend's bar. I just need a shirt. Something kind of dressy. I just bought new jeans. My husband and 3 year old are in the car, I promised we wouldn't be long so I'm just going to try a few things on and hope I find the right thing.

SALESGIRL 2: Ohhhhh I'll help you find something! What about this top? (holds tiny shirt out for me to see) This is really cute, isn't it? I really love this one!

ME: Oh... um yeah, it's kind of cute, but I don't...

SALESGIRL 2: Now what size do you need?

Let's stop for a minute. This entire portion of the conversation happened in a 1 minute span. I'm not even shitting you. High energy? Definitely. Girl had some pep! 

Secondly - I knew with one look that the shirt she wanted me to try was not a shirt I was going to buy. White cotton, strapless with a lace print. Sweetheart neckline. Peplum. Ain't no way in hell that top was going to look good on this body! I've been dressing myself for the last 25 years, ok? I know what works and what doesn't!

But I didn't want to be rude, so I decided I'd try it on for the sake of pleasing her.

ME: Um... (eyeballing the tiny shirt she was holding up) maybe... a large?

SALESGIRL 2: (shaking her head) Uh, no. Not with that waistline. I'd say you're more of an XL or XXL definitely.

I swear by all that is holy, my eyes popped out of my head cartoon style! Exqueeze me?! 

Now I've never sold clothing before, but I'd say "Not with that waistline" probably isn't the best way to tell a customer that they might need a bigger size. How about "This style runs small, let's size up a little!" or "You have a large chest, we don't want anything popping out!"

Not very tactful, this one, but I kind of shrugged it off because I had zero intentions of even buying that shirt.

SALESGIRL 2: Ok now let's find you something to wear with it!

ME: Oh, I have something already! I just need a shirt!

SALESGIRL 2: Honey, do you want a skirt or pants?

ME: (giving up) Uh pants...

SALESGIRL 2: Great! Now you go try these on. It'll look perfect! And come out and show me once you're dressed!

Annnnnnd with that, she handed me a pair of skinny black dress pants. People who know me in real life - you've seen me. I'm 5'4 and I weigh 145lb on a really good day. I have big boobs, hips, a short torso, and legs that look good in control top pantyhose. I'm a fan of the skinny leg pants - on other people. I just can't pull it off!

Mar & I went to the dressing room and I began to change.

MAR: Mommy, yuh boobies aw sooo squishy!

ME: Boo, stop touching my boobs. (pulling the shirt over my head) Oh shit. This isn't going to work...

MAR: No, itz beau-yiful! I yove it!

ME: No. It looks like a maternity shirt that's not long enough. And it's stuck on my rib cage.

MAR: Whatz a wib cage?

I pried the shirt off and put my own clothes back on, eager to go out and find a shirt I actually liked... and I almost ran into the salesgirl, who had thoughtfully pulled together 4 more shirts for me. All XXLs, all looking too big.

SALESGIRL 2: You're done? ALREADY?! You didn't even show me!

ME: Yeah... that's not going to work... It didn't fit me right. I'm just going to look around.

SALESGIRL 2: I didn't get to see it though! What was wrong with it? (exasperated)

ME: I've had 3 kids. Thiiiiis (pointing to my abdomen) works better with something more... flowy. Longer.

SALESGIRL 2: Well, ok. I got you some more tops. They're pretty flowy. Did you even try the pants on at all?

ME: No I didn't try them on. I already have pants.

SALESGIRL 2: What kind of pants?

ME: Jeans.

SALESGIRL 2: Hahaha! Honey, you can't wear jeans with these tops!

I'm clearly losing my temper here. Why does it freaking matter what kind of pants? 

And then it hits me that she thinks I don't have any style and I'm obviously clueless about how to dress up for a night out. BECAUSE I'M WEARING BAGGY JEANS, FLIP FLOPS, AND A MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE T-SHIRT AND HAVE MY 5 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FOLLOWING ME THROUGH THE STORE!

God damn it! Pigeon holed as a mom who gives less than a fuck! Oh sweetie, you couldn't be more wrong! I just happened to roll up into that Maurice's on Casual Friday! This mama lives for a chance to dress up!

My. Blood. Was. Boiling.

ME: You wouldn't wear jeans with any of these?

SALESGIRL 2: No! No I definitely wouldn't wear these with jeans.

ME: Well I would. And I'm going to. Also, can I actually take a look around the store and maybe, I don't know, pick out something myself?

SALESGIRL 2: What? (looking shocked)

ME: I'd like to look at the clothes if that's allowed. Or is that some rule here, that you have to pick out my clothes for me? Because so far, all I've seen are the things you want me to try on. I'd like to look around

SALESGIRL 2: Look, I was just helping because you said you were in a hurry.

ME: I'm not in such a hurry that I can't pick out my own clothing. 

SALESGIRL 2: Oh um... ok (translation: whatever)

Then Marlee and I proceeded to look around the store grabbing 2 tops, trying them on, and really liking them. One shirt, a pale gray chiffon definitely needed a camisole underneath.

I asked the salesgirls 3 separate times "Do you guys have any camisoles without the lace trim?" and each time, they either didn't hear me or simply ignored me. A fourth time, I walked directly in front of one of the girls and repeated my question. She informed me that no, they only sold tank tops with lace trim. 

Shitty experience or not, they do have cute clothes and I did end up buying both shirts. And a pair of earrings.

After paying, I went to the car to tell Chris about the experience and he laughed as I told him that I'd bought two shirts that the salesgirl hadn't picked out "just to prove that I have decent taste and can shop for myself".

CHRIS: Yeah, you really stuck it to that bitch. Buying not one, but two shirts AND a pair of earrings after she pissed you off. You're such a bad ass, Jen.

ME: Shut up.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

This Kid Done Lost Her Mind

Without going into all of the details right now, I'm super stressed out at the moment. I'm drinking a large amount of booze for supper and feeding my kids chicken nuggets (left over from lunch) and cheese burritos. 

Mom'a the year, y'all!

As I'm microwaving tonight's meal du jour, this convo happened....

ME: Well girls, I turn 30 on Wednesday and I'm not happy about it. I remember when I thought 30 was REALLY old. It really bothers me.

MIA: Is that why you're drinking that big mar-gar-eeee-ta instead of eating?

ME: Yes. Yes it is. I promise though, tomorrow I'll make nachos and we'll have giant plates.

MIA: Yesss!!!!

ME: Seriously though, do I look 30?

MARLEE: Yes. You yook old. Weewy old.

ME: WHAAAAT?! Guess who just got herself grounded! FOR REAL MARLEE? Rude!

MARLEE: What?! Faw how yong?

ME: Forever! You're grounded forever! Do I really look old?

MIA: No! Marlee she doesn't even look old. Stop lying.

MARLEE: Yep... jussssss kidding Mommy! I meant to say you yook beautifuw!

ME: Grounding undone. Eat your nuggets kid.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Do NOT Drink The Water!

I've been kind of stressed lately: 

  • Mia's back to school and 3/5 mornings she's a real peach.
  • Work is ... making me drink.
  • Our new house is haunted just like the last one.
  • I turn 30 next week and I have a giant wrinkle right between my eyebrows. Eew.
Pretty typical things that'd stress a gal out, right? Yes. Typical.

Tonight I decided that the best remedy for my frazzled nerves was to soak in our giant bathtub. Ok, maybe you're not supposed to put bubble bath in and then turn the jets on, but I have the willpower of a small child, so I did it anyway.

Half a cap-full of bubbles and about 30 seconds later... well, let's just say that I had way too many bubbles. Before I could dilute some of the bubbles (so Chris didn't catch me), Miles & Marlee came in and all hell broke loose.

Miles scooping handfuls of bubbles and flinging them across the bathroom, Chris repeatedly asking if I wanted the dog to get in with me, etc, etc, etc. 

I finally gave up on the whole event when I realized that Miles was gulping my bathwater like he'd just returned from a hike through the desert...

"Oh sick, Miles! GROSS! Don't!"

... and then I looked past him and saw Marlee wearing one of my bras, posing in front of the mirror.

There is no such thing as relaxation in this house. I've come to terms with the reality that I'll have plenty of time to relax when I'm dead.

(PS Mia was already in bed asleep when this happened. Tomorrow morning is going to be smooth sailing! Hallelujah!)

Monday, September 2, 2013

My Oldest Is Clearly The Favorite Right Now

The unspoken rule of the road denotes that he who drives chooses the music. In our family, the loudly spoken rule denotes that she who sings the loudest ultimately chooses the music. My husband learned years ago that it's easier to block me out when I'm singing than it is when I'm whining- and so, it's rare that he stops on a song that I hate while we're driving. 

On our way home from supper tonight, this came on the radio. One of my favorite songs, by my all time favorite band. He knew better than to change it, so he just turned it up a little louder.

ME: (singing to the kids in the back seat) Now here you go again you say you want your freedom ... Well who am I to keep you down ...

MIA: Mommy! You sound JUST LIKE the lady singing! Seriously, I thought you were lip syncing until I heard you stop a little before she did!

ME: Yesssssss!

CHRIS: Mia, don't tell your mother things like that. You'll give her an even bigger head.

And this, friends, is how you decide which child you will take care of you when you're old and senile. Mia says Mommy sings like Stevie Nicks = I'll be her burden when I'm 85 and refusing to wear pants and/or teeth.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Public Pool

Today was the last day of the season for our local pool. What that means: free admission & free ice cream! 

I don't take the kids to the public pool very often because I always end up being the one mom in the water, watching my 3 and ten additional kids that I've never met. It amazes me how easily other moms trust a stranger at the pool. 

"It's OK, girl, you work on that tan and be thankful that I'm not a pedophile! Your bronze should definitely take precedence over the safety of your firstborn!"

Anyway, since we don't go very often I found it absolutely necessary to quiz my heathens before we made our appearance...

ME: Guys, what are the rules at the swimming pool?


ME: (hysterical laughter) Yes. Most important rule of all. And?

MIA: No diving! No running!

MARLEE: No going in da deep end wiff out a n'udult!

ME: Right. No splashing anyone in the face either.

MIA: Yeah, no splashing anyone in the face!

MARLEE: Oh, and no licking anyone at da pool eitha!

ME: Whaaaaat?!

MIA: Yes, Marlee - absolutely no licking anyone!

I don't remember ever seeing the 'No licking anyone' rule posted at the GC pool but it seems like a really good one to remember. More importantly, in what situation did I have to initiate a rule of 'No licking anyone'?! It obviously stuck with her.