Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Houdini. I Sing It Way Better.

Once upon a time in '94...

I've had that little snippet stuck in my head for the last week. Just that part. I have no idea why, but it's been there.

(And for those of you who don't immediately recognize those classic lyrics... ahem, MOM - it's this song. You're welcome.)

Fun fact: I'm a music nerd. Not a music nerd like my husband who actually played the French horn during one unfortunate period of his childhood - but more of a "I'll take music 'Famous Songs' for $100, Alex" music nerd.

Give me your lyrics, your sweet instrumentals, and as much trivia about the artist/album/song as you can muster. I'm pretty much guaranteed to memorize it all because I'm like an idiot savant with no real musical talent to speak of. 

Those who can't, right?

A few music-themed tidbits from my day, if you will...

On the way to work this morning. It needed to be said, so I said it. Apparently I'd already told Jimmy this... several times.

"Phil! What's your favorite Prince song? And don't say something gay!"
"I Would Die 4 U"
"Didn't I just say 'don't say something gay'?!"

That was the first thing I said as I walked in to work this morning. For the record, I love Prince. He's a genius and one of the best guitarists of all time. If you disagree, I'm willing to fist fight you to uphold his honor. And really, it was a trick question because there's no such thing as a gay Prince song.

"I can't even understand what they're saying, but I love them."
"Dert der der dah dun dun dun..."
"Is he saying 'shackles on my legs are tied?'"
"Jimmy, I'm pretty sure he's saying 'shackles on my wiener something something'. I'd bet money on it."
"I think you're wrong."
"Good thing we're not betting then."

So I Googled the lyrics and *maybe* I was wrong, but I'm going to sing my verse anyway. It's pretty good. Foster the People, why are you so hard to understand? 

"I seriously thought I was going to have to ground Marlee last night when she started saying she liked Tate Stevens."
"He DOES have a water tower... Man, Laura gets fired up about that too."
"Yeah, they better not change that 'Touch of heaven on Highway 7' sign though."

Look, nothing against Tate Stevens. He's just not from GCMO. Mayor Henry, let's get Farr a water tower soon. I bet I even know some guys who'll paint it for free - no need for a huge community wide fundraiser.

"Last week, I saw a video from the 60s where they were singing this song live. Man, Mick's all pumping his hand and prancing around like he's in a marching band. It's so bad ass."

This was at The Walmarts. Of course I acted it out. Jimmy just laughed at me though because I've got nothing on Mick Jagger's moves.

What does all of this mean to you guys? Nothing probably. 

I have a burnt cheeseburger waiting for me to eat it (Thank you, my sweet husband), but I want to leave you with one more song link. You know you want to click on it.... CLICK IT! CLICK IT NOW!

No, it's not a virus. It is a link to Kmart's new commercial for back to school, featuring Da Rich Kidz. My kiddos are obsessed with it, and I promise that it'll be stuck in your head for the next week. 

Don't thank me, thank Kmart.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

To The Lady I Flipped Off Tonight...

It was right after 4PM, at the stoplight in front of CVS in Harrisonville. You looked to be pushing 70, yellow teased hair, driving an ivory Lincoln MKZ. I was the younger dark-haired lady in the big black Yukon. Surely you haven't forgotten our adventure already, have you?

See, the thing about that CVS is that they have an exit that lets out directly onto Commercial Street, right into the line for the stoplight. If a person is unfortunate enough to use that exit during rush hour, they're basically stuck there until another kind driver pauses and motions for them to pull out ahead of them.

I hate to be that person - the one who's waiting. It makes my palms sweat and that, Lincoln Lady, is disgusting. But, I digress...

While in line at the stop light in front of CVS, my car was in front of that exit and there was a man in a black car waiting to be let out. Yes, I noticed that the light had turned green but with there being six other cars ahead of mine, I felt it safe to pause and let him out in front of me. So, I kept my foot planted on the break and wiggled my fingers at him to go ahead.

Had your head not been so far up your own ass, you would've likely noticed me motioning for him to pull forward. You obviously didn't notice that though, and took that opportunity to lay on your horn and gesture at me as if I were an idiot.

I'm no idiot, ma'am, I was just being courteous to a fellow driver. Sure, I could've ignored your rudeness, but it seriously pisses me off when I'm in the middle of being nice to a stranger and some asshole has to go and ruin it for everyone!

And so, at that moment I found it completely appropriate to extend my arm out the window, fly that bird, and yell, "Fuck off, you old bitch!"

Childish, yes, but very satisfying in the moment. I'm a live in the moment kind of gal. Forgive me.

Anyway, I hope you made it to your destination safely! I know you were in a hurry to get there!

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Pushing the Button

The girls are attending Vacation Bible School this week at one of the local churches. 

Now wait, before you get all "That's a terrible idea, sending Marlee into a church..." on me, I'm going to tell you that she's actually really good when she's with anyone but me, Daddy, or Granny. You put her in a room filled with strangers and she's as sweet as can be. Stop rolling your eyes, I'm being serious!

We don't go to church very often and if memory serves me correctly, Marlee was about 2 the last time we took her. With that being said, I had to lay down some ground rules before I dropped the girls off for the first session last night:

  1. No talking about butts, va-jay-jays, or boobies!
  2. No showing your butts or boobies! (She alread knows better than to show her va-jay-jay.)
  3. No eating boogers! 
These rules were strictly for Boo, not Mia. Big Sis equates breaking the rules with the end of the world. Mia, of course chimed in with a few of her own rules:
  1. No running in church!
  2. You have to share!
  3. No acting like a crazy person!
And then, right before we got there, I remembered a biggie: 

ME: "Marlee, don't you DARE say 'Oh my God' while you're at Bible school!"

MAR: "Why?"

ME: "Because it offends people. Say 'Oh my goodness' instead."

MAR: "Der sure are a yot of woolz at church. Am I even allowed to yaff?"

ME: "Yes!"

So, we went in and got registered and 2 and a half hours later I picked up two little girls who'd had a wonderful night exploring faith and making new friends. They had a snack (cupcakes), learned some songs & dances, made crafts and just had a really good time. 

Their excitement was contagious as I remembered being a little girl and enjoying VBS each summer. With everyone in such high spirits, I agreed when Marlee asked me if she could push the button on the garage door opener when we got home.

ME: "Miles can open it and you can close it after I turn off the car. Don't push it until Mommy shuts off the car though, ok?"

MAR: "Ok, Mommy!"

As we rounded the corner back to our house, I passed Miles the clicker and he pushed the center button to raise the door. Marlee, gleeful over her adventure and eager for her turn to push the button, decided she didn't want to wait for Miles to pass her the clicker. As soon as my front bumper nosed into the garage, she yanked the remote away from her brother.

And the garage door came down on the roof of the Mom-mobile...



MAR: "I'm sowwwy! I'm so sowwwy! Pyeez don't be mad at me!!!!"

I got out, checked for damage, found the garage door and my car to be in perfect condition. Then went over to calm down my hysterical kids and let them know that no one was in trouble.

ME: "Calm down, everything's fine! I'm sorry I got mad - it just scared me."

MAR: "I'm sowwwy Mommy! Weewy!"

ME: "It's ok, Ladybug. Don't worry about it. Nothing's broke."

MIA: "Mommy, you said not to say that. You shouldn't have said that."

ME: "Damn it?"

MIA: "No - God."

And once again, my own words come back to bite me in the ass...

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Holy Potty Training, Batman!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're on the brink of potty training!

I've never potty trained a boy before, but surely it can't be that hard, right? We've lived through two girls and they were extremely easy. This guy though... do you even mess with pull ups? Should we have him start by sitting on the toilet to potty? Does that whole 'aim at Cheerios' thing work?

I don't even know! Pray for us if you're the praying kind!

What I do know, is that he peed on a tree in the back yard and it filled me with the kind of pride that only a redneck mama understands! Sure, it might not be the classiest tactic, but it sure as hell beats mopping pee off of every surface in the house!

Since we're not quite ready for those Spongebob underwear yet, he's still in diapers most of the time. Not that he has any problem taking his own pants off...

My friends at BabyGanics know that potty training is serious business and until your baby is completely trained, a parent's best defense against pee is a good diaper. 

Reporting for duty, Rear Gear Ultra Absorbent Diapers! This mission requires the toughest diaper in a battle of good guys (no leaks over night) versus the enemy (waking up to a wet mattress).
Rear Gear touts the same great eco-friendly quality of the other products in the BabyGanics family. Translation: chemical free, y'all! Waive your granola flags and know that your baby's booty is all-natural! Rear Gear features a bio core with NeoNourish Complex made from 100% natural seed oils (red raspberry, tomato, black cumin, sunflower, and cranberry) to help protect sensitive skin.

These diapers work SO well! Day time, play time, car time, and night time - in any situation the Rear Gear held up just as well, if not better, than my usual big name brand! The overnight absorption is the most impressive use though - after up to 3 cups of milk before bed, we wake up to dry thighs, jammies, and sheets. High five!

With Rear Gear being all natural, I will say that the material itself is a little more coarse than other store brands might be. If your baby has sensitive skin, I would suggest using the BabyGanics Healin' Groovy with the diapers until your little one's skin adjusts to the organic makeup of Rear Gear. Love, love, love!

These diapers are available exclusively at Babies 'R Us (in stores as well as online) with prices starting at $11.99. Not bad for eco-friendly, right?!

A big thank you to BabyGanics for allowing me to sing their praises again! There is no better feeling than promoting a line that is good for my family, and good for the environment. For more products from the BabyGanics line, as well as retailers, please visit www.babyganics.com.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Miles doesn't seem to realize that wearing a Batman shirt on top of a Superman shirt is bad juju. Kids...

Thursday, July 18, 2013

This Story Involves Pooping (Just a Heads Up)

Today I got to make a run to Walmart for office supplies. For someone who is usually stuck in the office all day, there are few thrills that compare with going to the store on the clock - never mind that I was only picking up spiral notebooks and packages of pencils. I was shopping and there weren't even small children begging for a trip down the toy aisle.

Completely exhilarating, you guys!

About half way through my adventure, I got the sweaty palm stomach cramps. What do you think that means? Sweaty palm stomach cramps... poop, friends, it means poop.

(I was thankful that this discomfort occurred at Walmart to be honest - anyone close to me knows that I don't poop at work because it gives me anxiety. If you didn't know that tidbit before, you're a full-fledged member of Jen's TMI Club now. Welcome and please bring snacks next time the club meets.)

Like any sane person, I headed to the bathroom in the back because it's less crowded:
A) Because I'm courteous like you wouldn't believe when it comes to pooping at Walmart! 
B) Because there's less of a chance of that awkward moment when you've pooped and have to face everyone else in the bathroom afterward! 

BUT! I go in to the huge restroom and where it's usually deserted, it's fucking packed!

"Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD! You people need to get the hell out of here NOW!"

Anxiety surges and suddenly, everyone else clears out of the stalls at the same time. High five! I calmly choose a stall that hasn't been used in the last 30 seconds like I'm in no hurry, 

"Just in here for a quick pee, ladies! Nothing out of the ordinary!"

After what seemed like forever, those turtles cleared out of the restroom and I was free to proceed with my business. And I did for a bit, until I heard the door open and someone else entered the bathroom.

"Oh great.... Don't use the stall next to mine... Don't use the stall next to mine..."

She, not so courteous, naturally chooses the stall next to mine instead of any of the other 500 empty stalls.

"What a stupid bitch! What's WRONG with people?!"

Then just as I started to calm down, Karma caught up with me for pooping in public: as soon as the woman in the next stall went silent, I accidentally farted... LOUDLY. Like, movie fart. Cartoon fart. 

She responded with complete silence.

And then I giggled like a small child.

I was both completely mortified and terrifically amused! I guess it really is possible to be a 29 year old woman and a 10 year old boy at the exact same time...

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Not Fly

One of the best parts of having kids is introducing them to new, cool things. The only thing better than teaching them something that is clearly awesome, is when you can flawlessly demonstrate it for them. 

Look, I've been a mom for 8 years. I know what I'm doing at this point (50% of the time. Sometimes.), so when an opportunity for performance presents itself, I'm all over it.

You'd expect these littles to be blown away by their country-loving mama rapping in all of her Midwestern glory, right? Yes. Yes, you would. "Wow, Mommy! That was amazing! You're cooler than I thought!"

They didn't say that though. They looked at me like I should be ashamed of myself.

Ungrateful of the gifts I bestow on them. Completely ungrateful.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


About once a week my nephews get to ride home from Harrisonville with Aunt Bubby (me) and they're filled with stories. They've been fishing a lot this summer and I do love a good fishing story - especially when told by an 8 year old and a 5 year old. Why, just last week, Jonis was sooo close to catching a sea horse in someone's pond. His dad came to pick him up early though and don't you know that sea horse got away. Dad's have terrible timing sometimes!

Today when his Dad and I went to lunch at the local Chinese place, this sign greeted us at the door. 

Sounds legit...
The boys are old enough to earn their keep, right? Jimmy and I thought so and on the drive home tonight, I attempted to use their fishing skills to my advantage.

ME: Guys, are you planning on doing any fishing in the next couple of days?

EMAN: I don't know... Dad are we going fishing?

JIMMY: Um nope.

ME: Well, Aunt Bub needs you to go catch a lot of fish so that I can trade it in for Chinese food.

EMAN: Whaaaaat?! Who would do that? Who would give you Chinese food for fish?

JIMMY: Chinese people. We're going to need a lot of fish, son.

EMAN: So you can get Chinese food for free?

ME: I love egg rolls & fried rice. Like 20 fish probably.

EMAN: You're crazy Aunt Bubby...

JONIS: Aunt Bubby! Guess what kind of fish Bubby (Eman) caught!

EMAN: Oh yeah! Let me tell her what you called it! Dad can I say it?

JONIS: No! Bubby! It's a bad word, you can't say it!

JIMMY: Don't say it Eman. Don't you even say it.

ME: Come on, Dad! Just so he can tell the story? He just wants to say it once! Just let him say the bad word one time!

EMAN: Just once Dad! PLEASE????

ME: Say it! Say it Eman!

EMAN: He called it a BASTARD fish!

JONIS: Ommmmmm! Dad he said it!

JIMMY: Thanks, Jen. Thanks.

ME: (cracking up) A bastard fish? That like a bass, Joni Bear?

JONIS: Yep! But big like a shark with big teeth and it'll bite you and bite your arm off!

There you have it, guys. If you're fishing and you come across the elusive Cass County Bastard fish, watch out because you might lose an entire arm taking it off of the hook...

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Mid-Summer Slump

Well, well, well... here we are again in the middle of July and I haven't touched the ole blog in weeks. If you've been around a while, you'll realize this is a reoccurring theme on HHDD. 

To be fair, I read once that if you take sporadic but lengthy breaks from writing,  it makes the readers anxious for the next post and drives up the traffic on a blog. Really? No, total bullshit. 

The blog takes a backseat to every day life during the summer because it's hot as tits outside and all I really want to do is eat popsicles and be lazy. 

I would love to tell you all that I've been super productive with actually decorating the new house, but in all honesty, I've only been super productive with researching ways to decorate the new house. Or maybe I've just been reading decorating blogs, if you want to be a dick about it... 

While we're at it, I've been reading a lot lately: this (I'll be doing a review on it soon, I swear), this (I'm so weak, guys...), and this (wouldn't Malcom be an awesome name for a second son).

Sure, I take some time each day to creep the Instagrams for Khloe Kardashian & Kim Zolciak. Some days I post my own photos (@jenpalis), some days I don't. It's not fun anymore if it becomes an addiction, right?

Oh, and Game of Thrones has entered our life. I'm so confused that I need a wall-sized flow chart of all of the different families, but I'll admit, it's very entertaining. Except for all of the incest - THAT.IS.DISGUSTING.

Last but not least - dude, it's summer so we've been playing with the kiddos! Bike rides with scabby knees, pool days with plenty of SPF, and tons of spare change in case the ice cream man cruises by.

What've you all been up to this summer? Shenanigans I'll bet.