Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Kid Embarrassed Me...Again...

Those of you who read the ole blog on a regular basis are familiar with some of the neighbors by now. We have the elderly cat lady across the street, Mrs. D. There's Jack, the bachelor next door who has my children convinced that he grows Hostess cupcakes for them in his garden. The Browns a few houses down with two boys who are most likely the male counterparts to my angelic girls.

Tonight, I'd like to introduce you to the people who live in the house behind ours, Bonnie & David, and give you all an opportunity to share in the most recent instance where my children have completely mortified me.


This summer, we've spent quite a bit of time outside. Sometimes we spend all day swimming and jumping on the trampoline. Other days, we stay inside all day and come out to play after supper (aka 'Operation: wear these kids down for bed'). Despite the differences in our routine, one thing remains the same - my kids are loud and the neighbors never seem to mind the high pitched squeals or shrieks of "She hit me!" I love that about our neighbors!

Another thing that never fails? David always makes a point of poking his head over the fence and hollering "Hey! You kids are making an awful lot of noise out there!" He, like many a grown man, enjoys teasing the kids and the kids enjoy sassing him right back.

A few weeks ago, we spent all day playing out back and our Mister Neighbor was working on something in his back yard behind the privacy fence. Occasionally he would holler at the kids to keep it down, or spray them with his garden hose. Marlee, my diva, would yell with half disgust/half delight "That's not even funny, Old Man!" much to David's delight. Old men always love it when they can get a child riled up!

A bit later, he took off across the yard to go pick up his youngest granddaughter from her parents at the city swimming pool. Baby girl needed a break from the hot sun, and her grandparents were all too eager to have her to themselves for a while. 

He'd left empty-handed and returned pushing a sweet baby in a double stroller. This had my Boo utterly perplexed...

"Hey! Old Man! Where did you get that baby?!"
"Where did you get that baby, Old Man?! Did you steal it?"
"I can't believe you stole a baby! OLD! MAAAAAN!"

After he and the baby were in the house, Mar began to question Granny and I about the baby. Of course we fed her a huge line of bullshit confirming that yes, it was a stolen baby. She was so mad (and so funny) and being huge jerks, we just kept going.

For the next couple of days, each time she'd talk about that Old Man stealing that little baby, we'd egg her on. "Get yourself back into bed or I'll tell the old man to come and steal you!" we'd say. "Is that old man nice?" she'd question us, partly afraid, partly suspicious of our words. "He's nice, he's just a baby-stealer so he's kind of creepy..." was my answer at one point.

Wrong answer, obviously. The next time we went out to play:

"Hey! You kids are makin' a lot of noise back there!" came a voice from behind the tall privacy fence.
"Old Man! You leave us alone! My mommy says you're creepy!" came my middle child.

Needless to say, we haven't heard from David in a few days.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Glass Half Full

Some nights, the day has just been so horrible that you feel you've earned the rights to a tall drink just as much as you've earned your wages. If you're like me, you clock out, come home, take off your bra and pour that drink. Really sticking it to 'the man', right? 

Today wasn't one of those days.

I did have a glass of wine tonight, but not as the result of a piss-poor day. My wine was poured to ease the pain of my 80 year old bones and used to wash down a few arthritis pills. As luck would have it, there was exactly enough left in the bottle to have half of a glass. I love when that happens.

That half full glass? Now totally empty. Such a lush... G'night!

(P.S. My crazy friends recently dubbed this song as 'our jam'. Bet you'll never guess which of the three is supposedly me...)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

(New) Office Space

Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton
: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed. 

-Office Space

My department at work has spent the last few days moving back into the main building. It's been hot and dirty and well...kind of a clusterfuck because there is so much going on. Almost everyone in the company who has an office is being moved to a different office in the complex.  Worth it though? Oh yes, folks, totally worth it!

I am so (See that? Underlined for emphasis!) excited to come back after a year away from my old friends and to be bringing the new friends I made along the way. The fact that we get our own offices ain't too shabby either!

Maybe my office is right next to Bossman's, but he's kind of awesome. Don't tell him I said that though or I'll get the "Jennifer, don't tell people you enjoy working for me. It'll ruin my reputation." speech. Plus...I get not one but two windows - sit down, here's where it gets super exciting - because I get an office AND my own little file room! *insert two thumbs up here*

Someone doesn't get to be the worst receptionist in the world anymore either. You're all very welcome for that.

The kids made some beautiful artwork for Mommy's new space.

Counter clockwise: by Miles, by Mia, by Marlee, by random Walmart artist
OMG! Totes adorbs!

The office is still a work in progress, but it's coming together nicely. While I don't have a college diploma to frame and hang on the wall, I'm contemplating hanging this baby up tomorrow. I didn't really earn it, unless you count purchasing a magazine subscription as earning, but it sounds very prestigeous and that's really all that matters.

See that? National Associate Member. I'm kind of a big deal!
Shenanigans may or may not be taking place during working hours too...

Oh please, like you wouldn't put it on if you were lucky enough to find a Freddy Krueger claw!
It's summertime in Missouri, of course that's a pigtail in his hair. My hair's still not long enough, and well, I'm OK with at least one of us being able to get those sweaty bangs out of their eyes.

And for the love of cheese, will you all help me convince my hubs that not only is this guy completely appropriate, but it's damn-near a necessity for my new big girl office? Please!  

Feel free to sweet talk him in the comments section!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Asian Persuasion

I got home from work the other night to the news that Mia's teaching herself to write her numbers in Chinese. Yes, you're remembering correctly, she's the one who flunks handwriting in English each semester.

Looks legit to me...
 "Mommy, one day we won't have to write anything - we'll just type it on computers..." You don't question a gifted child. Not unless you enjoy feeling like a complete moron, anyway.

And if any of you faithful HHDD readers actually do read Chinese writing, could you please tell me what the hell this candy's flavor is...

And, they make her breath smell like perfume! Delicious!
 My guess is opium flavored because it smells like a pear/dirty hippie hybrid. Marlee loves them!

That's all I've got today. It's Friday, and my last fortune cookie leaves me wondering what the fuck I'm about to lose over the weekend?

I'll bet I find it in the hamper, whatever it is. Or a toy box, maybe.
It's a toss up between my phone and my sanity. 50/50 chance at either.

Have a rockin' weekend!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Transients, Come On Down To Cass County

I remembered tonight that I forgot my blog's first birthday. I missed it by a week...

So in the words of the one and only Grandma Joy, "Happy, happy birthday, baby!"  

(I promise, I'm a better mother than blogger.)

Does an event like this call for a rundown of all the events that happened over the course of the year? Probably, but I've been reading these blogs lately where the writers don't ramble on and on with their posts and the writing is still entertaining. Let's try that and see how it works out.


Yesterday I had an interesting morning... 

How so? Guess who spent two hours making certified mail envelopes and stuffing them with letters. If you guessed me, high five yourself because you are absolutely correct!

It really wasn't too bad and I found the monotony kind of enjoyable - aside from the fact that Stamps.com always feels the need to show off by asking me if I want them to correct all of my addresses. Yes, I meant PO Box and not P.O. Box. Smart ass. 

Something amazing caught my eye as I dropped the fruits of my labor off at the mailbox during lunch. Apparently the parking lot of Subway is now doubling as a rest area for gypsy folk.

  "You're going to get shot one of these days..." - Bossman's response to my RAD photo
 I don't really know if this gypsy was passed out or dead, but his eyes were definitely closed. The life of a ramblin' man is exhausting I guess.


Tomorrow is Denim Friday! Rock your finest jorts (unless that's a dress code violation or a personal rule that you refuse to bend on)!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

How I've Spent My Summer Vacation (So Far)

Hey there.
Howdy y'all.
Konichiwa bitches.

There's kind of this running joke in the office that I'm the worst receptionist ever. It's not really a joke because it's pretty true, but damn it if I don't come in every day with a smile on my face and a touch of sarcasm in my words and I like to think that's why they keep me around. 

At work, like with this blog, sometimes things come up and before I know it the time has come to clock out even though I haven't accomplished everything I'd intended. 

When's the last time I updated you all on my little bubble of perfection? Too long ago. Prepare to take it all in...

Tonight's blog is brought to you by our Frankenputer. Now missing the following keys: 4, T, Y, G, K.
*Chris's grandmother passed away and we made the four hour drive from GC to Cabool for her funeral. She was sweet and funny and loved our babies so much! Grandma Georgia, you will be missed! The service was small and uncomplicated, like Georgia herself, and in my opinion it was the perfect way to celebrate the life of a woman who meant so much to my family. And after? Truck stop lunch. Yeah baby! We don't look for adventures, adventures just seem to present themselves sometimes.

Why yes, that IS the entrance to a swap meet!
If the Old Man has taught me one thing, it's that you don't drive through Springfield without stopping at Peterbilt. Unless you're not a redneck, then you probably don't give a shit.
*The hubs and I attended my 10 year high school reunion in late May. You know what helps people reminisce better than anything? Alcohol. I did a lot of hugging. Alcohol also makes you scream a request of "WAGON WHEEL!!!!" to the house band, and awesome dancing then ensues. (Thanks Kim & Clint for introducing me to this solid gold hit! Love you guys!)

I don't mind at all that Chris shared a large booze concoction with one of my friends. Look at her, she's adorable!
*Memorial Day allowed me to enjoy a rare 3 day weekend that coincided with Chris's regularly scheduled day off. We celebrated by watching the Hatfields & McCoys on History Channel. It was a family event really and Jimmy and Chris called each other Cap and Cotton for the next week.

*Someone got her cast cut off... Halle-freaking-lujah! 

Before the saw came out. I couldn't get a decent pic after b/c we needed to haul ass for milkshakes. Priorities!
And we celebrated by putting the pool up. Duh!

*A 90s Night party went down. We took a ton of pictures, but I can't show most of them on here. Some may or may have not been sent to our boss (by us). Needless to say, when 70s night happens bossman and his awesome wife had better be there!

Look! It's Blossom! Also, pretend you don't see that pile of dirty towels behind me...
*What else...what else...Oh yeah, Jimmy and Laura's house burned down... Nobody was at home thankfully (high five for baseball games), but it was basically a total loss. They're doing well and moved into their temporary rental home today actually. I tried to take their minds off of the fire with the gospel of Sweet Brown, but it didn't help much. 

That beige thing in the front yard all wrinkled up? Steel front door.
*Father's Day happened. We didn't really all out celebrate though because well, it's not Mother's Day so it's not really mandatory in our house!

*Name one super-successful 80s soft (or hard) rock band that you love more than REO Speedwagon. Can't do it, can ya? Didn't think so. We went to the REO/Styx/Ted Nugent concert with our friends, the Haseks. I've seen REO & Styx before, but this was Chris's first time. I tried to tell him that there would be an even ratio of mullets to khakis beforehand, but the poor fella was still in awe when he witnessed it firsthand. 

One of the best parts of the night (besides when REO sang "Keep Pushin"): Shauna and I getting to know the softer side of a grumpy old lady slinging draft beer. Her name might've been Carol. She was sweet once I asked her if we could tip her! One of the worst parts: my husband, knowing that I hate Rush (you do too, don't fake groan) started a convo with the guys in the beer line - who happened to be sporting Rush shirts - by saying "Hey man, my wife loves Rush. Have you ever seen them live?" What a dick! I played it off well though because I know my music - even when it's bad music.

Oh Kevin Cronin... soft rock bad ass

I love having friends who are just as crazy as we are!
*The Garden City Baseball Association held a charity softball tournament for Jimmy and Laura. It is amazing to live in a place where the whole community comes together to catch you in a safety net when you start to fall. We may have shed a few thankful tears throughout the day, but when it was all said and done, a good time was had by all... even the poor Ginger husbands who got sunburns on their receding hairlines...

The event definitely called for Kenny Powers shirts!

*Independence Day 2012 went on without a single mishap this year. There seems to be a repetitive pattern where each year, a firework goes apeshit and fires directly at me. ME, THE PERSON WHO IS TERRIFIED OF FIREWORKS! Well, this year we didn't buy any fireworks. Funny how that works out, isn't it? Instead, I blew the budget on Mexican food and beer. And maybe some kick ass threads to showcase some patriotism, Palis style. 

He's married ladies. Lay off!

And, my mom got drunk (just in case anyone hadn't heard that already. She was drunk. Way drunk. xoxo)

Someone rocked that red Solo cup until Dad finally drove her home :)
And that, kids, should bring us up to speed. It's a little past my bedtime. Over and out!